Dear Miss C and Miss M,
I am so sorry, I feel so guilty thinking I might be the reason you are both on the spectrum.
Parenting in general means lots of guess work, learning by mistakes, picking up tips as you go and lots of ‘winging it’.
Some where down the road I must have really messed up somewhere with my parenting skills. Both of your pregnancies were normal with easy straight forward births yet both of you my darlings are both on the spectrum. I must be a proper shite mum. – Yes girls mummy has sworn, I am sorry again, mummy feels rubbish about herself.
Miss C you were 11 years old when you were diagnosed with Autism. I suspected for years but at school you hid it well like a lot of girls with Autism do, so no one was able to help you until your clever year 6 Teacher spotted some signs and referred you to CAMHS. She is one awesome Teacher!
In July this year Miss M, you were diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. CAMHS are also looking into possible Autism for you too which you know about. Again I knew there was something since you were around 2 years of age. You are another one who is very good at hiding it at School although you have now been given ear defenders to wear when you find things too noisy. Away from School you are, in your words, ‘being yourself’.
Sometimes I have to brace myself when you come in from school Miss C, especially when you have ‘that look’ on your face, or I have to tread on egg shells around you both hoping none of your moods change in an instant and my home becomes an anger management pad with me being the negotiator of every thing until your Daddy comes home and
rescues me helps me out. Some days though aren’t too bad, those days are manageable when it’s typical siblings nit picking at each other.
I would not change either of you for the world though, you both know that I love you both dearly. You are my beautiful daughters, both with your own individual strengths. You are both loving and caring in your own ways, Miss M more so then Miss C but that’s probably an age thing. Your coming into your teens now Miss C!
Miss C what can I say about you, your funny, caring and a talented drawer with a love for animals. You still want to be a vet when you grow up. Just like you have done since you were little.
Miss M, you are a cuddly loving, independent and strong willed young lady.
I just sometimes wish not for my sake (well maybe a little bit), that life was easier for you both. That a change of routine wasn’t such an ordeal for you, that we can have a brunch or an early dinner without confusing you both with times of the day.
I’d love for you Miss C to be able to leave for school 5 minutes later than normal and that would be ok, that you know you won’t be late, that you don’t need a lift to school because your routine has been changed. Or you would just talk to me when you are worried about something rather than bottling it up and not being able to control or understand your emotions.
I so want for you Miss M to put on tights or shoes with straps without have a complete meltdown every time because of how they feel on your skin. That you can wear dresses with a little elastic waist band without nearly hyperventilating when you can feel it moving on your skin. Your wardrobe is so limited nowadays.
There is so much I wish for for you both my daughters.
As your mum I want desperately to make things ‘right’ for you.
Am I being selfish? Perhaps a little. Some days – most days I am exhausted by bedtime. If it’s not one it’s both of you needing me. I love you both with all my heart and soul and I feel so guilty, guilty in the fact that I may have done something wrong when I was pregnant or parented you both wrong as babies and toddlers and by doing so, I have made life harder for both of you my beautiful girls.
I can’t change the past though, it’s impossible. I can only live in the present and look to the future and be a supportive loving mum to you both my beauties. I just hope that’s enough.
Love you always from my heart