To my daughters, I am so sorry

Dear Miss C and Miss M,

I am so sorry, I feel so guilty thinking I might be the reason you are both on the spectrum.

Parenting in general means lots of guess work, learning by mistakes, picking up tips as you go and lots of ‘winging it’.

Some where down the road I must have really messed up somewhere with my parenting skills. Both of your pregnancies were normal with easy straight forward births yet both of you my darlings are both on the spectrum. I must be a proper shite mum. – Yes girls mummy has sworn, I am sorry again, mummy feels rubbish about herself.

 

Miss C you were 11 years old when you were diagnosed with Autism. I suspected for years but at school you hid it well like a lot of girls with Autism do, so no one was able to help you until your clever year 6 Teacher spotted some signs and referred you to CAMHS. She is one awesome Teacher!

In July this year Miss M, you were diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. CAMHS are also looking into possible Autism for you too which you know about. Again I knew there was something since you were around 2 years of age. You are another one who is very good at hiding it at School although you have now been given ear defenders to wear when you find things too noisy. Away from School you are, in your words, ‘being yourself’.

Sometimes I have to brace myself when you come in from school Miss C, especially when you have ‘that look’ on your face, or I have to tread on egg shells around you both hoping none of your moods change in an instant and my home becomes an anger management pad with me being the negotiator of every thing until your Daddy comes home and rescues me helps me out. Some days though aren’t too bad, those days are manageable when it’s typical siblings nit picking at each other.

I would not change either of you for the world though, you both know that I love you both dearly. You are my beautiful daughters, both with your own individual strengths. You are both loving and caring in your own ways, Miss M more so then Miss C but that’s probably an age thing. Your coming into your teens now Miss C!

Miss C what can I say about you, your funny, caring and a talented drawer with a love for animals. You still want to be a vet when you grow up. Just like you have done since you were little.

Miss M, you are a cuddly loving, independent and strong willed young lady.

I just sometimes wish not for my sake (well maybe a little bit), that life was easier for you both. That a change of routine wasn’t such an ordeal for you, that we can have a brunch or an early dinner without confusing you both with times of the day.

I’d love for you Miss C to be able to leave for school 5 minutes later than normal and that would be ok, that you know you won’t be late, that you don’t need a lift to school because your routine has been changed. Or you would just talk to me when you are worried about something rather than bottling it up and not being able to control or understand your emotions.

I so want for you Miss M to put on tights or shoes with straps without have a complete meltdown every time because of how they feel on your skin. That you can wear dresses with a little elastic waist band without nearly hyperventilating when you can feel it moving on your skin. Your wardrobe is so limited nowadays.

There is so much I wish for for you both my daughters.

As your mum I want desperately to make things ‘right’ for you.

Am I being selfish? Perhaps a little. Some days – most days I am exhausted by bedtime. If it’s not one it’s both of you needing me. I love you both with all my heart and soul and I feel so guilty, guilty in the fact that I may have done something wrong when I was pregnant or parented you both wrong as babies and toddlers and by doing so, I have made life harder for both of you my beautiful girls.

I can’t change the past though, it’s impossible. I can only live in the present and look to the future and be a supportive loving mum to you both my beauties. I just hope that’s enough.

Love you always from my heart

Mum xx

24 Comments on To my daughters, I am so sorry

  1. ohprettycity
    August 6, 2017 at 1:37 pm (2 weeks ago)

    Very touching post, your girls sound wonderful and I’m sorry that you feel guilty about their condition. Thank you for sharing your story and for linking up with #KCACOLS hope you can join us again next time 🙂

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:16 pm (3 days ago)

      My daughter’s are my world and i’m very lucky to call them mine 🙂

      Reply
  2. Life as Mum
    August 8, 2017 at 11:11 am (2 weeks ago)

    Oh, this made me so sad to read lovely. Please don’t blame yourself. You are not being selfish at all and you have nothing to apologies for. Mum guilt is the worst.
    I am sure every single day is hard for you lovely, but you have two beautiful daughters and sound like an amazing Mother. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, it’s not your fault.
    I want to give you a big hug!
    #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:15 pm (3 days ago)

      Thank you for such a kind comment. I try my best. I do have two beautiful girls who I am very grateful to have in my life 🙂

      Reply
  3. The Queen of Collage
    August 8, 2017 at 2:01 pm (2 weeks ago)

    I think we are all winging it hoping we are all doing parenting right. #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:14 pm (3 days ago)

      Yes i’m sure we all are 🙂

      Reply
  4. RainbowsR2Beautiful (@rainbowsaretoo)
    August 17, 2017 at 9:06 am (3 days ago)

    There’s no fault in autism or SPD. More of the time I feel guilt because I can’t help, but boys were both diagnosed younger. My daughter… we will see. Nice to find your blog. #kcacols

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:13 pm (3 days ago)

      That’s another guilt all on it’s own not being able to help them when I see them struggling. I try my best as i’m sure you do. That’s all we can do isn’t it.

      Reply
  5. Mrs Jibril
    August 17, 2017 at 10:58 am (3 days ago)

    This post is very touching, sending you lots of hugs mama #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:11 pm (3 days ago)

      Thank you 🙂

      Reply
  6. Suburban Mum
    August 17, 2017 at 3:19 pm (3 days ago)

    Oh Rachel don’t feel guilty it’s not your fault at all. It’s a good thing they have now been diagnosed so you can get the help you need. #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:11 pm (3 days ago)

      Yes their diagnosis will help them but sometimes i just feel like i’m the one to blame. Its a hard thought to let go of.

      Reply
  7. Laura @ Dot Makes 4
    August 17, 2017 at 6:55 pm (3 days ago)

    This is such a heart wrenching post. Mum guilt is so tough at the best of times. It’s easier said than done, but please don’t feel guilty. You really are a brilliant and loving mum 🙂

    #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 17, 2017 at 7:09 pm (3 days ago)

      Your right, mum guilt is so tough 🙁 i hope i’m doing a good enough job 🙂

      Reply
  8. Tracey Bowden
    August 17, 2017 at 9:19 pm (3 days ago)

    This is such a sad post. You absolutely shouldn’t blame yourself. My daughter is also 11 and we are starting our journey and awaiting a referral to cahms too. What you describe sounds so familiar to me. Sending love #kcacols

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 18, 2017 at 8:14 pm (2 days ago)

      Good luck on your journey and hope you get the help you and your daughter needs.

      Reply
  9. Gorgeousgeorgesmama
    August 18, 2017 at 8:05 am (2 days ago)

    Oh please don’t make yourself feel bad (I should take a leaf out of that book). I’ve never read anywher or been given the impression that autism is something caused by something the parent did. Your girls no doubt know you try your best to make this world a happy place for them. Keep doing you. That’s the best you can do.

    Lots of love.
    #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 18, 2017 at 8:13 pm (2 days ago)

      I’ve not read anywhere either but CAMHS did ask me about my family’s mental health history so it has me wondering if there is something in the genetics. I will keep doing my best, my girls keep me going 🙂

      Reply
      • Gorgeousgeorgesmama
        August 19, 2017 at 12:52 pm (1 day ago)

        Oh that’s par for the course I think. They try to find reasons but if you aren’t aware of any it’s really not your fault. Even if you was aware. I’ve had a child knowing that my scoliosis (curvature of the spine) may be hereditary. I took a chance and will just monitor him closely. So many of us have conditions that could be passed on. I don’t believe it makes us irresponsible. X

        Reply
        • indecisivemum
          August 20, 2017 at 10:06 am (3 hours ago)

          No i don’t believe we are irresponsible. It was probably just me over thinking.

          Reply
  10. Kerry
    August 19, 2017 at 9:58 am (1 day ago)

    Mum guilt is a horrible thing isn’t it? I feel guilty all the time, especially about my youngest who I wasn’t able to spend as much time just with him. You can only do you best, like all us mums xx #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 20, 2017 at 10:13 am (3 hours ago)

      We can only do our best. Yes mum guilt is horrid.

      Reply
  11. anxiousgeek
    August 19, 2017 at 3:25 pm (22 hours ago)

    Don’t blame yourself. They’re still working on discovering the causes for autism. It develops in the womb as far as science is aware at this point and that there is nothiing to be done to cause or prevent it. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and maybe look into get yourself some support from Mental Health too. #kcacols

    Reply
    • indecisivemum
      August 20, 2017 at 10:18 am (3 hours ago)

      There is so much information on the cause of autism without any definitive answers. I do have my own personal mental health issues that I have been addressing with help too.

      Reply

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